Teammates
by madsthenerdygirl
Summary: Certain members of the team have an issue to take up with certain other members of the team regarding certain fraternization techniques. This is entirely classified.


**Title: Teammates**

**Rating: M – because I just can't resist!**

**Summary: Certain members of the team have an issue to take up with certain other members of the team regarding certain fraternization techniques. This is entirely classified.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned the Avengers… oh the things Jeremy Renner would be doing…**

It was Tony's idea.

Well, it was Tony's idea, Steve's fault, Thor's decision, and Bruce's comedy hour.

It was Natasha's idea of a living nightmare.

Black Widow and Hawkeye sat next to each other on one end of the table, while the four other members of the team sat on the other end. Barton's face was blank, but Natasha's was what could only be described as pissed off.

"How to begin… how to begin…" Tony got up and started pacing, his hands behind his back. He hummed a little. "Hmm-hmm-hmm…"

Natasha rolled her eyes.

"We are a team. A fantastic team, if I may say so myself. And teammates look out for each other. They help each other out. And if there's a problem, they work it out like civilized people who care for each other."

"When they're not trying to kill each other." Bruce mumbled.

"Anyway," Tony said loudly, "We just want you to understand that we come to you as friends."

"I thought you described it as 'disgruntled coworkers'." Thor said, leaning on his arm to look at Tony.

Natasha glared.

"The point is, we have a bit of a… well, a small issue with your, um, tendency to… Steve's walked in on you three times!" Tony spluttered.

Steve looked like he just might shove his shield through Tony's head. He also looked like he was struggling not to sink into the floor out of embarrassment.

"Now, I don't know if it's his pure, goody-two-shoes nature or if it's his 1940's upbringing, but it's been rather traumatizing for him. He's almost as disturbed as the time I got him into a strip club."

Five exclamations rang through the room.

"Oh God!"

"Too much information!"

"Damn it, Stark!"

"Now this, I need to hear about."

"Seriously Tony?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that this is starting to affect the rest of us!" Tony said.

"I'm fine with it." Bruce shrugged.

"I'm just worried about what Fury's going to do when he finds out. Knowing him, all of our butts will be on the line if this gets out." Steve argued.

"And your personal embarrassment and humiliation have nothing to do with it?" Thor asked, smiling.

"Look, what they get up to alone is none of my business…"

"That reminds me!" Tony said, thumping the table. "Those silk ties were a gift from Pepper, and I do not appreciate them being used for that purpose, unless Pepper and me are the ones using it!"

"Hold on – does that include the tie that you were wearing last Friday to the press conference?" Bruce asked.

"Yes, fuck it!" Tony said, annoyed.

Clint ducked his head so that they couldn't see his smile.

"Our problem is that they're the one's doing the f–"

"Language." Steve reminded them.

"Look, they can go at it like rabbits for all I care. What I care about is that we are all in danger of getting in trouble with Mr. Cyclops, and that it's interfering with…"

"My sleep."

"Are the walls really that thin?"

"Oh God…"

"I really don't want to hear this."

"I could stand to hear more."

Thor banged on the table so hard the thing literally jumped. Everyone quieted.

"What my compatriots are trying – and failing – to say is that, Hawkeye and Black Widow, despite our compete support for the relationship that you are trying to build…"

"Despite the fact that you could potentially kill each other during a marital spat…" Tony quipped.

"I can hurt you." Natasha warned.

"We really, really just want you guys to be a little more discreet." Bruce finished.

"Yeah, like no going at it in the hallway." Tony said.

Everyone stared.

"That was her fault." Clint pointed at Natasha.

"Remember that sex we were planning on having ever again?" She asked sweetly.

"That very activity is why we called this meeting!" Tony shouted as Steve covered his ears, his face turning red with embarrassment. Tony noticed this. "Geez, Rodgers, you'd think you'd never done it yourself before. Wait; you have done it, right?"

"I am not answering that question." Steve glowered.

"Five bucks says no." Clint put in.

Natasha had gone back to glaring.

"So… we're decided?" Bruce asked.

"As to what?" Thor asked.

"Fine, we get it; we keep it in the bedroom, keep it quiet, and keep it to a minimum." Clint sighed.

"Pretty much." Tony nodded. "And, for the record, it's pretty funny that you can get her to babble in Russian."

"Stark, I will fucking kick your ass into kingdom come!"

"Oh God."

"I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know…"

"Was that really necessary?"

"You recall my saying 'doesn't play well with others'?"

Tony just grinned. "Maybe next time you should try a gag." He suggested.

Natasha stood up, ready to kill.

"Meeting adjourned!" Thor said quickly.

Steve took off like there was a drone after him. Bruce stood with his arms folded, not meeting anyone's eyes for fear of laughing, and then left with a chuckle. Thor sighed, shaking his head, and then left as well. Tony pointed to his eyes, and then to Clint and Natasha.

"I'm watching you." He warned.

Then he left.

There was a moment of silence, and then…

"So, where were we when they came in?" Clint asked.

"Testing the integrity of the table legs." Natasha replied, perching herself on said table.

"Right." Clint leaned forward, planting a hand on either side of her, kissing her and slowly lowering her onto the table.

A few days later, Agent Maria Hill processed a request for a new table in the Debriefing Room. Apparently the one they had in there currently had somehow broken a leg.

No one said a word, but several wads of cash changed hands.

**And hey, just for kicks – feel free to try and guess who said what when I have them all give an exclamation at once. Oh, and there are two Firefly quotes in there! Take a looksie!**


End file.
